Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
