are you still at the devil's house?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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