haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
