You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
