is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
