not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
