I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
