Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
