I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
