omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
