It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
