This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
