Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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