Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
