I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
