Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
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