if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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