Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
