I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
