I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
