He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
