..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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