I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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