Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
