We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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