I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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