FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
how does that bad decision feel?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
