Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You ruined the universe
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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