theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize