if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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