I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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