No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
