My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
