sorry about calling you the devil all night.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
