Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I intend to get homeless drunk
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
