WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Why can't burritos get me drunk
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
