I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
