I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize