Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
