Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
