Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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