if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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