apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
