I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
