put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
