and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
