Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
