Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I currently don't understand fingers.
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