you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
one might say we're banned from that church
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
