i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
