On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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