i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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