So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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