You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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