You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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