He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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