drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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