I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You need Xanax blowdarts
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
