I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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