Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
